Horror through Humor
by BobtheHamster
Summary: Twisted fairy tales, with lots of humor. Just think, Disney cartoons, twisted. My friend helped me some, thanks guys, I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove cheese and Severus Snape.
1. Beauty and the Beast

I own nothing except the plot.  
  
Told from the point of view from Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.  
  
I'm Perfect (ly Insane)  
  
Why are there no mirrors in insane asylums? I mean I was the most handsome guy around but now I can't even see my face to tell. Of course I'm sure I'm still perfect. All the girls loved me when I wasn't in an insane asylum, except for that do-goodie, Belle. She even tried to ignore me! I mean how could you ignore me with those rippling muscles and that dashing face. Who did she think she was, choosing a book, a book over me? Anyway now hear my story.  
  
All I did was offer her a chance to marry me, to be a perfect little housewife, but she refused. I used to think she preferred people of the same gender, but then she ran away. After that I had no choice but to kidnap her precious father and "gently" persuade him to tell me where she was. All he did was blabber about some beast and a talking candlestick. I got very annoyed and started muttering to my beautiful self about cheese. As you can tell my friends got a bit scared, so I sent them to the show called "land of faeries" where little cows in faerie suits tried to dance. If you want tickets to that show call 1-800-YOU'RE-NUTS. Okay anyway then Belle came back and I of course thought she was coming to beg forgiveness and my wonderfully perfect self was going to give her another chance to become my wife. But no all she did was gush on and on about some beast named, oh this is so original, Beast. I was about ready to go eat m & m's and move to China when she showed us this mirror. It had some picture of an ugly dude and I was wondering how perfect me could be replaced by this hideous thing, so I tried to go kill it. Long story short, I fell off a cliff, the Beast turns into a person, I get sent to an insane asylum, and Belle and the Beast get married living happily ever after. Actually, the last thing I heard Belle was having an affair with the talking candlestick. I've got to go. I have to try to look at myself in the padded walls of my cell. Remember, if any cute girl wants a perfect guy, just look me up in the insane asylum telephone book. 


	2. Snow White

I own nothing except the plot.  
  
This story is told from the wicked witch in Snow White's point of view.  
  
@$%#^ Mirror It's all that mirror's fault. If I weren't in an insane asylum, I'd go take out its batteries, if it had batteries. Or maybe it was telling the truth, nah, I'm always right, that mirror wasn't. If you're getting a little confused, let me start from the beginning.  
  
Okay, so anyway, I was this innocent little girl just minding her own business when I married this big galumphing oaf of a man, okay so I wasn't that innocent, but ya know. Anyway, this oaf had a daughter named Snow White (no he wasn't asexual, Renee, he had a child by his wife who is now dead). Oh I hated Snow White because she was so pretty and I'd never be pretty because I had a humongous wart on my forehead that I covered up with a lot of foundation.  
  
I had this mirror that I bought from The Dollar Store that would always say I was the beautifulest in the world. So it didn't have good grammar, it made me feel special. I loved that mirror so much, but one day it said Snow White was the beautifulest so I jiggled it around because I figured the batteries were dead, but it just repeated what it said before.  
  
Finally, I got so annoyed that I got one of my wart worshippers to kill Snow White for me. When he brought back her heart I said, "Hey, this tastes like chicken from KFC." "Oops it is chicken from KFC," my wart worshipper named Warty said. So of course I killed him by suffocating him in cheese, and I said, "Would you like some melty cheese with that chicken you brought me?" I was so infuriated that I ate him for morning brunch with a side of chicken livers that I found in the KFC bag. Later I decided to go trick-or-treating at Snow White's house dressed as a piece of cheese. When I got there for some reason she looked at me like I was nuts.  
  
I shouted, "Trick-or-treat! Eat me!" and then shoved a piece of cheese in her mouth. She said, "I thought Halloween was next week, and then fell into a dead faint.  
  
To make this insufferable story short, little midgets found her, they found some bald, smelly guy to wake her up, and then she was so blinded by love that she rode off with someone who looks worse then me! The last I heard of her she's working at McDonald's going, "You want fries with that?"  
  
So you see, none of this story was really my fault, it was that mirror. Even if you can't see me now, I'm wearing a white straitjacket and the wart has now grown as large as my head. Actually the wart is typing this right now, my hands are in the straitjacket. So now, my humongous wart and I will go drink some tea, and sing Christmas carols in the middle of July. Be sure to have a nice day, drink eggnog, and remember, don't buy mirrors at The Dollar Store. 


End file.
